Ages it has been, hasn't it?

True to the title , it sure has been ages that I remembered I used to hold a blog account and I mostly used it to relieve my pent up feelings.  You may wonder ,like I did, why think of the blog now!!?

Why else would I !? Troubled times calls for measures I used to seek to find me solace.
Hope it still works..
Looking back in retrospect ,it's nothing but a really blurry image of all the activities that have happened . Cutting into each phase and trying to analyse what the hell have I been up to ,is an entirely different area that is going to be addressed shortly.
After all these years I can surely tell I'm still unsure if I have evolved at all. If I have gone through the transformation from being a pupa to a butterfly , the regular transformation example. I cannot ,for sure, answer that. A few events can be narrated and I'll let you be the judge of the question.

After all the years and the people and the hardships I have survived ,I'd really wanted to feel like I know what I'm doing. There comes one too many incidents which prove you wrong. It seems to me that growing up is never going to be a task you can complete, rather a never ending repetition of a phrase you'd have to hear even if you turn to be a 100 year old. Turn of events made me take a step back and alter the way I was viewing the things around me . That's when it struck me that nothing really ever changes unless you do.

I figured I have been on a pattern when it comes to doing something and the results have been on the same line .

I'd wonder "why,why,why!?why doesn't things change for me!" . Until now. I don't have to think twice when something isn't working for me. I clearly know it's because the output will vary only if the input does.

So,that's my 2 cents on why I feel this repetitive sense of feeling in almost every aspect of my life. 

Change is often times scary. Trusting the process you are on helps with accomodating and accepting change. 

Trust is too huge a word for someone with trust issues. 

But well,let me start by changing that.

Hope to write soon to document on the transformative journey I'm embarking on.

Cheers..

some people!

Been away from blogging for quite a long time ,i reckon. But here i am.. I always have something to write about and it is always something that i like or don't like. From the title of my post people can quite conceive that the idea is to pen down a few characteristic traits of a few kinds of people.(this is mostly to express my pent up feelings.no pun intended :p)

so,here i am,thinking life is a beautiful maze that leads us to the most unexpected situations that are both astonishingly amazing as well as dramatically disastrous. I say this only because i have been to both the above mentioned worlds. It makes me wonder how it happens. i have met a splendid variety of people ranging from the drop dead gorgeous to the i'll-drop-dead-if-i-see-you types.From the non-stop yapping queens/kings to the i-won't-make-a-sound-no-matter-what types.From the most insensitive thick skinned people to the most delicate,susceptible lot. 

Here i am thinking how i did manage to experience the people of both the worlds and here i am to write about it. 

To kick a start,the bad lot first. I am someone who was easily manipulated.I thought i had some control over myself while in truth everybody else than i had control over me. Some people knew my problem and left me as i am,while some couldn't let the opportunity slip by to manoeuver a puppet.While i started new in college with people all new,i was befriended instantly.I knew i was good with people but this was a bit too good to be true. And it turned out to be too good to be true. Realization struck me when a bunch of popular seniors became my thickest friends. Only after a few months ,when i had lost my priveledge to own a car because i was recklessly roamimg around town with the so-called seniors,did i realize that i was being nothing but a chauffeuse to all of them. so,that ended there.I was ready to get past the alarming truth i just discovered for i thought i had the world's best bestfriend to get me through the roughest of times. She did ,actually. she got me through the roughest of times and landed me in a place i simply can't find a word to describe. Is there a word much stronger than "WORST"??Because i really can't think of one and that's exactly where she had me land.Marvelous,ain't it? The best friend happened to not like a certain thing i was doing and she couldn't quite muster up the courage to tell me on my face. Rather miss.big butt..oops..sorry.. miss.big mouth went about telling it to her posse,who were just as good as "The Hindu" at carrying the news around. But i think she felt it wasn't enough to just tell her fellow mates about the blunder I've made.She chose an alternative medium to communicate. The facebook! oh,what a sight! still remember the day when my name was tagged to the most disgraceful status. That wasn't all. I remember having seen about 700 comments under it. Now tell me,could i have been any more proud of the selection of friend i made? beats me!Moving on.I was a very friendly person.Finding friends was not at all difficult for me. Best friends were even more easier to find. Then came into my life a girl i could swear was my replica! Just like me in all ways possible,differing in some ways.We fought like cats and dogs and got back like peanut butter and jelly! Never one without the other. She was just as possessive as i was and caring too. She used to say that nobody could ever understand her like i did and nobody could she ever understand like she did me. But how did it crash and what was the reason she gave? She said i was like her best friend/competition. She said i was overshadowing her.Said i never let her be herself for she constantly kept feeling like it was a race that she had to win. I kept reading the lines over and over as she had decided to break it off with me over a text message.All i could think was "why couldn't she have told this to me earlier?" for she told me the reason after a year ,after i had begged her to tell me. I thought if there was anything i could do to set things right but i couldn't think it was possible. Off to the next. This one is real interesting. So stay tuned. Tiny frame of a body she was. I wouldn't really take her for a friend if i had the choice but since she was the only other girl in class with me,no choice i had. But she turned out to be quite the fun person i had hoped to be with.We became the thickest of pals in no time. I took care of her like she was my own.All until she packed her bags and left town without telling me. I did find out from a few others that she was taken away by her dad. I waited for months so long for a single call or least a message . Got none until february 16th when she finally called. I couldn't hold my excitement the minute i heard her voice for all i did was jump and squeal ,on the road. She sounded rather normal like we hadn't had a break even for a day. That blew me off! First thing that i did was to put myself in her shoes and think of what would i have done. I would have called her through some means just to at least assure her i was alright. She had every possible way to have least called me but yet she decided not to. But still after all those months she reappeared and tried to make it up to me. But it wasnt't and couln't be like before for i had moved on and changed so much and she couldn't get used to it. She wanted to make me feel like nothing has changed while it was obvious to the both of us that to bring it back was impossible. She wanted to remain as the best friend she had once been but she knew she was reduced to the status as the friend now. Every explanation i had tried to give her only made her grow her disapproval for my current best friend.She wouldn't realize her fault but rather just blame it on my friends thinking that i was a brainless chit that could be brainwashed! This has been the extent to which my selection of friends has gone and has gotten me trapped in the worst nightmares.

But there were a select few that always were the rainbow after a devilish downpour.I was the type of person that befriended people like me. Tough,arrogant,fun loving types. But i did find a girl that changed my way of thinking. She was literally like a character out of cartoon network,all funny and animated. The first time i saw her i thought to myself never to have a friend like her. I happened to be having the toughest time when i wouldn't have imagined for the girl i never wanted to be friends with would be the one to care for me,to have sincerely loved me for what i am and so on. Even the ones i had thought to have been my good friends couldn't comfort me the way she did. She was and is still an angel in disguise. My angel in disguise..! the person with the purest of hearts i've ever known or i ever could know!
When one angel happened to me that way,there was another that was entirely different. Two years younger than i am ,she was quite a whirlwind if i had to describe. We had similar tastes,mindsets and opinions but also had our differences. She had been with me since the time i knew i was an immature idiot to the time i can proudly say i've grown up and better than the rest. She has known the good,bad and ugly in me. Likewise i knew her too. We hated many things in each other. Constantly complained and fought over trivial issues like man and wife. I have never known i was capable of typing pages and pages of a text message until her.She could drive me to the ends of the world.But that wasn't all. She was someone who had been with me even after the worst fights when any other person would have deliberately desired for a bottle of memory loss potion just to forget me. But she kept coming back to me,though usually after i let her know i've missed her. She wasn't the easiest of people to be with but she was what was making me feel the worth of having her even without having to lose her. We fought to keep each other together that no fight is ever too big to distance us! Now she is an angel to too but she was the one who taught me that angels could disguise themselves as demons too!She was both!The perfect combination..

So, like i said,life is a beautiful maze. You can never predict what would happen. But when it happens ,you can decide on how you want to see it. As the most unfortunate happening that would keep you rooted to the gloomy side or as an unfortunate happening that will stay as a lesson for you to learn from while you make better of what is left!

I am making the best of what i have left :)

To the ones that need an answer!

initially ,this wasn't what i wanted to do with my blog.i clearly didn't want to make it my journal.but that is exactly how it is turning out to be.then again,it seems like the best way to make people know what i am and what i need.
*reeling back into flashback*
so,a few months back i was an entirely different person. i was the happiest person to everybody else.when they saw me it was inevitable for them to not think that i was loaded with everything i could ever need to be so happy.(they even thought i had my prince charming) . i had the life that made people go green(not on a diet!just plain jealous!)i was always high spirited and i had the most perfect best friend . i had the biggest phone around(samsung note 1) and i was spotted with a pink bag,a pink phone and pink shoes.i would always be hanging around in a coffee shop with my best friend and sometimes with a posse of my own. i was known for being jovial and easy-to-get-to types. i was known for being a carefree person who can handle just about any distraught situation. i had the perfect parents who loved me more than anything in the world and would not say the N(no) word to me ,like ever,and that was what was keeping me so perfectly happy.i talked around like i had no worries . sometimes they even thought i was so carefree that i would not care if my best friend left me for i was so sure i could always get a move on in life.i spent crazy money on friends when i had cash on me.i always posed a i-don't-give-a-damn attitude that really ticked some people off but yet they continued to be my friends because i'm that awesome. phew!!!  THE ABOVE MENTIONED ARE NOT MY POINT OF VIEW!THEY ARE ALL WHAT EVERYONE ELSE OTHER THAN ME THOUGHT.. OFF TO WHAT I REALLY THINK!

yes,i was an entirely different person until a few months ago when i was exposed to a series of heartbreaking incidents.but before all of that happened i was never really as happy as they thought i was. i looked cheerful and happy only because i didn't want nobody to lay their sympathetic eyes on me.  thinking about it now,i was indeed loaded with everything i could ever possibly need,only that i never realized it back then like i do now. (i could have even had my prince charming hadn't i been such a moron) people did boil with green inside of them but that was useless because i was simply faking a happy life, beneath all of smiles and laughter was a layer that nobody except my best friend knew. it was a feeling that i could not push away no matter how many times i tried. it was a feeling i could not explain because nobody would believe me anyway. i felt lonely even when i was surrounded by a room full of people i loved and cherished. i felt like i was missing something. like my equation to a happy life was still far from being complete.so,the big phone i had was the thing that caught everybody's eyes. but they never knew that i had to stay without a phone for two whole months just to be able to get this baby rock <3 they always thought that i got whatever i had without a fight. but only know how dirty the fights were to get something i wanted. it was never easy for me. i was spotted in a coffee shop all the time simply because i wasn't allowed to bring friends home. that was the sickest thing i had to accept and live with. i was never a carefree person . on the outside i made myself look tough but on the inside i break worse than a glass. i cry before i sleep on most nights . and if i lost someone i really cared about, the crying doesn't find a time to come . i was downright sensitive and all mushy. of course i never showed it on the outside for the most obvious reasons! i was never allowed any allowances. so every once in a while i saved up some and spent it all on the ones that spent on me when i was broke.  my attitude was a wall i built myself to protect me from repeatedly getting hurt or subjected to any sort of events that will break me down.  and all of this was known by only one friend who stuck around with me through highs and lows and never walked away,unlike many.  SO THAT IS THE REAL STORY. NOW COMES THE PART ABOUT WHAT I AM UPTO THESE DAYS!

 after going through a series of rough patches,i have decided to let go of all the things that had hurt me in some way.  i have set aside a lot of people who were earlier my friends . i have realized why things never worked out sometimes and why i was never as happy as i seemed to others. now,i have cut myself out from any possible link to my past and i'm sticking to just the one friend that stuck with me. i have no intentions of visiting my past ,though it was fun and all. i'm finally finding happiness from within myself by being myself. i don't have to be pretentious person anymore. and i sure as hell don't want to be interrupted by anyone that i don't talk to anymore. because the logic is simple. IF YOU WERE IN ANY WAY SUPPORTIVE OR COMFORTING OR NECESSARY TO ME,YOU WOULD BE HAVING THE NUMBER TO MY CELL NOW! /peace out\

The heart has it's own mind

it's true. the heart has it's own mind. everyone,at some point,would have experienced this . i say this with utmost confidence because i have experienced it myself more than just once. it's frustrating to know that one doesn't really have control over something that belongs to them. often has lead me to think then how i can control something that's not even remotely mine. some say "follow your heart for it may lead you right". but is getting hurt and bruised mentally,sometimes even physically, part of being on the right track? as much as I'd love to say no over and over and over again,it's right. feeling pain , making mistakes and getting bruised are indeed and very much part of being on the right track. the people that we see in day to day life,the ones that have no regrets,the ones that smile without any limitations, the ones that breakdown and cry, the ones that go dormant when something is wrong or the ones that decide to party instead of hiding away,they're all people we see and know in at some point of our lives. and we know that they do what they do without any regret because that's what their heart tells them to pursue. no matter how hard we try to evade the control of the heart, at the end of the day, we fail.
many a times I've tried to be the controller of my heart but couldn't keep up for any longer for i couldn't find reasons as to why i shouldn't follow my heart. so what? i get hurt. but there's always something called "moving on" and it happens every time. at first i wasn't too sure if "moving on" phase would repeat itself the next time i fall hard. but considering the number of times I've fallen hard(too many times to be counting)i now know that that phase is just as inevitable as getting hurt. it's like a cycle. you get hurt,you get through it too.least somehow!
Pain is unbearable at the time it happens. but that's what makes you stronger. the heart becomes stronger! and that's what we must do with the heart that's ours. we must love. and if we should get hurt get because of the love, we must use that pain to change the heart into a stronger chamber of feelings. and making it stronger doesn't mean we lock ourselves from possible threats promising hurt. we become strong enough to be brave to take it as a challenge to even change the pain to something more positive. for what's life without a little pain?
A beautiful quote strikes my mind now. 

true it is. heart wants what the mind knows is a challenge. but sometimes i wish the mind was as brave as the heart for the heart accepts failure to be a part of the journey called life.
life is short,as many of us know. and there's no time to regret . do what you want to do,with some conscience of course,for time is running out. never be too much of a coward to experience hurt or rejection or failure of any sort for those are not what bring you down but raise you higher as the days go by.
heart and mind seldom go in unison. but if they do, do whatever it is with flair and love and trust for you will emerge out of it in flamboyant colors or just simply as a stronger person!

how I killed time..

Yet another ordinary day in my ordinary life. I am absolutely clueless about what I want to do to kill time . it's a sunday and I was thinking that maybe we would visit the outside world together as a family and I was proved wrong when my pop said that he had something to do for the day and he couldn't take me out.i was a little glum after I heard this. But I had hopes because I could still ask my one and only friend to accompany me to a mall perhaps. I wasn't in the least expecting another blow but that's exactly what I got. She had relatives come home and she was asked to take care of them. She said " they're all grown up adults and I wonder why I have to take care of them. I'm jus a kid!"  I understood from her tone that she despised staying at home too but didn't have a way out. I sat on the cement plank on my terrace and wondered. A few good minutes passed and that's when I realized that a part of my behind was exposed to the sun and I could feel my skin getting baked. I jumped up like I had dropped a piece of burning coal on myself and all I could remember was that I ran like I would run to catch the last bus out of hell. Finally I was under the shades of my room. The blue room of mine has never been more comforting than it was today. I walked around a bit to relax my leg muscles that got worked up. I was sweating profusely . So I walk to the spot where the switches are embedded into the wall. I switch on the switch for the fan. I watch the blades of the fan rotate and a moment of bliss breaks out. I turn around to walk back to my bed but something holds me back.  I turn to the switch I just switched on and I switch it off. My finger is still on the switch. I switch it on now. I switch it off now. I press the switch a little bit to see if I could balance it somewhere in between on and off. But it snaps and gets switched on. I switch on the fan one last time and walk slowly to my bed, mind clouded with thoughts. I sat slowly on the bed . I kept thinkin why it was impossible to balance the switch between on and off. That exact moment I did something that I always do and I felt enlightened. I related the story of the switch to my life or jus life in general. It makes sense, I felt. One can never be a cat on the wall . And if they do be one, life's going to make decisions that might not leave us content. It's always either this or that. Never a little of the both. Sometimes, it so happens, the person gets to enjoy the best of both. But seldom does it stay for one to realize what he had. After thinking about all the times I had been a cat on the wall, I tried to decide which side I'd choose if I had to. And I felt that had I made these decisions when I should have, life would have been merry for me instead of being a pain. But I also think about the saying told to me by many of my friends. " never regret what you do". I feel a little better. I realized my butt had become a little numb after after having sat in the same position for 37 minutes . I shift a little bit and lie down on my bed. I heard the bed creek slightly as I moved to a comfortable position. I lied down, stiff as a board. Yes, I was thinking about something. I was thinking about how the most unnoticed thing suddenly became noticeable .and  that was possible because I actually paid attension to it. I, once again, related this to incidents. I realized that I had convinced myself That many things happened without a reason. I sometimes got so frustrated because I wasa true believer of the saying " everything happens for a reason" and when things happened without a reason it brought me too close too often with ceasing to believe in anything. But now it made sense. I figured things didn't make sense only because I never paid attension to what was happening. Had I paid attension I would have not only understood the reason behind many hurting seperations, misunderstandings and tiffs but also would have understood the essentials of keenly and actively following every teeny bit of action around oneself. I had not felt this awake in a long while now and I assumed it was because I finally gave some work to my rather rusty brain.
I rolled on to the side of the bed where I had left my phone to rest to check the  the time. I was hoping to find the time to be 4 something. But I also realized that it was a little too dark outside for it to be 4. I pressed the lock button and my jaw dropped when my phone screen came alive revealing the time. It was 5 minutes to 6. I was not only baffled but was also proud of myself that I found a way to kill time as well as to discover myself and the things I've done like discovering a diamond in the rough.
I feel a sense of elation as I rise up from the bed. I open my door and I feel like I've opened the doors of my life to a whole new phase.
Ps: loneliness is not the worst thing as some say. For me it has been the best .
If you never try you'll never know.

PEACE B-)

how i got started with blogging!

ABOUT ME FIRST..

I am a regular person..seriously,when i say regular,i mean absolute regular.i dont do anything out of the ordinary.i stick to whatever it is and i never do nothing new.a person like me does very few things in a day.like waking up,doing something to keep fit(in my case its tennis),showering,breakfast(if its an interesting menu),attending college(if all my friends are going to be there),watch tv or browse the internet or talk to a friend,dinner and then sleep.this is,honestly,what a person LIKE me would do.and thats exactly what i do.(if you're thinking "what a boring way to lead a life",that makes two OR MORE  of us.)

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED..

It was just another day as far i could tell from the way it started.Woke up and headed out of home for tennis.i felt the sun on my skin,burning through,even though it was just 7 am.When i reached the court i looked out for that one other person who i have been looking out for of late.Then came a voice from ahead of me.that's when i knew and thought to myself "Ah..what a relief.another beautiful day because i don't have to be the only girl in the testosterone filled tennis court."I looked up and there she was. Arshi,the girl that's been in the court for a month now.She,full of life,greeted me.little did i know that she was going to be the one to make me do something that i haven't even thought about.After what seemed like an hour of play,we just casually planned to spend the day at my place.(she is perhaps the only girl that i have ever known to have taken the most little time to shower and get ready.)She was getting comfortable at my place when she decided to show me a few pictures that she took with her samsung galaxy note2. I must admit,i am impressed with her work.she suddenly gets all inquisitive and pops a question at me. "whats your hobby?"  I think, for what seemed like 8 seconds,and said "writing". I think about it now and perhaps i did the right thing by telling her that. She looked at my face and asked me if i was interested in blogging. I stared back and asked the most obvious question a person LIKE me would ask. "whats blogging all about?" If it was any other person they would have asked me "are you for real?do you really not know whats blogging?are you from earth seriously?". But she surprised me.She did not make me feel the slightest like a dumb person,rather she started explaining to me everything i needed to know about blogging,even showed me a few blogs that she had done herself.She gave me a complete idea about what blogging could do,the pros and cons.She helped me find out what i wanted to blog about.she sat through with me helping to find a name for my blog.

what it is going to be from here..

So,my blog is going to be all about exposing the mind ,my mind.I will be explicitly expressing my views on the very few areas that i can extend my knowledge to.If i had to name a few it would be music,movies,books,politics,people,culture,relationships and business.Might come up with a few more in time.So here i am,kicking off my blogging process with a blog on how i ended up blogging.

Thanks to Arshi Babbar again for introducing this regular girl to something absolutely amazing.

The blogger that's a pro with the in and outs of law. 

 http://learningoflaw.blogspot.in

PEACE!! B-)